Boycott Tucson's evil weed

Hemlock may kill you, a giant saguaro could crush your skull and poinsettias will poison your cat. But nothing is as evil as Bermuda grass.

This fast-growing and invasive turf grass should instead be classified as a weed. It’s just as ugly and unwanted.

My experience with Bermuda grass began when I bought a house with a small lawn area infused with the stuff. While at first the Bermuda grass pretended to be user-friendly and green, it soon showed its true colors: brown.

Neighbor's Bermuda lawn/Ryn Gargulinski

Neighbor's Bermuda lawn/Ryn Gargulinski

It also exhibited a number of other annoying idiosyncrasies. Like looking like regurgitated hay.

Although Bermuda grass is supposed to die off in the winter and come back in the spring, mine only seemed to get the first half right.

Yes, I watered it. Tended to it. Treated it with loving care. Then I tried to violently rip it out and re-seed with some “as-seen-on-TV” miracle grass.

Nearly two years later, I’m still ripping.

Bermuda grass has the uncanny ability to snake its roots to depths unknown. One chunk I eventually pulled up may have had some molten rock attached from the earth’s core.

Just as the grass snakes to the deep depths of the earth, roping through palm tree roots and choking anything that dares exist beneath your house, its top layer goes wild on the surface.

Most of the lawn may remain dead, especially where you want it to be lush and green. But long tendrils of the stuff will thrive around the edges, pushing through gravel, onto patios and disrupting ornamental stepping stones and lawn borders.

Bermuda tendrils on lawn borders/Ryn Gargulinski

Bermuda tendrils on lawn borders/Ryn Gargulinski

I think one tendril strangled a pack rat.

After several reseedings and weekly patch-ups, my lawn still has large areas of brown and crispy Bermuda grass. When even Sawyer, Mr. Dig-Dug Dog can’t unearth the stuff, you know it’s bad.

My lawn with remaining Bermuda patches/Ryn Gargulinski

My lawn with remaining Bermuda patches/Ryn Gargulinski

Bermuda grass rating (1-10): Negative 1,056
I bet even bufflegrass is more fun than this stuff.

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About Rynski

Writer, artist, performer who specializes in the weird, wacky and sometimes creepy. Learn more at ryngargulinski.com.
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4 Responses to Boycott Tucson's evil weed

  1. RADC MAXIMUS says:

    Mornin’ Rynski! Don’t have much to say about bermuda grass, other than it is insidious and only grows well where you don’t want it. Went to check out a job last week on business park dr. ‘Danielle’ told me it used to be the Citizen Offices? Guess they are selling/leasing the place out. Sad.

  2. johhnyquest says:

    try buffle grass on for size…..much worse than bermuda grass. Get a tiller and “rip” your backyard to get rid of the bermuda. Wait a few weeks to spot new growth but you should be able to re-seed pretty soon after tilling.

    Besides, you should have switched to rye grass in the winter and water your bermuda a coulpe of times a day in the summer to keep your yard green year round.

  3. Rynski says:

    Mornin’ Rad Max!

    You’d have a lot to say on Bermuda if you had it in your yard…and the talk would have lots of four-letter words (haha).

    Main Citizen office is on Park/Irvington. Don’t know what was on business park drive?? And yes, the whole thing is sad. Sadder, still, than Bermuda grass.

    And thanks for the tips Joyynyquest, but I think it’s too late now. I already invested in several bags of made-for-TV grass that is doing well in a number of areas (where the dogs don’t dig it up!).

  4. Pingback: Boycott Tucson’s evil weed – Tucson Citizen Adding Info

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